i’m really kind of irritated with how much i like you. i didn’t mean for this to happen. and i’m irritated with the bullshit i found out on thursday.. why did i have to learn that new, fucked up knowledge right as things are getting good between you and i? i’m excellent at blocking things out that i can’t or don’t want to deal with, and while i am blocking the hurt out.. i can’t block out the way it’ll affect me. its already making me paranoid. not hearing from you, even if its just for 24 hours, makes me feel all freaked out.. like you suddenly aren’t interested anymore. i know that’s crap. i know you care about me. but now there’s this other voice in my head, the one i used to get two summers ago after the last incident.. telling me that i should know better than to give you, or any male, the benefit of the doubt. i’m so afraid that if i do, it’ll just bite me in the ass yet again. if i actually allow myself to have trust and faith in you.. i could get so incredibly hurt. i think this is going to be something i need to talk to you about. you already know what i found out, though you don’t know everything in detail.. so i think you’ll be understanding, right? i just.. need a little more reassurance than normal right now. maybe for awhile, i don’t know. however, i do feel kind of weird asking for that seeing as we aren’t actually together *yet*. but i mean.. its been almost 2 1/2 months since we started talking. we’ve spent nearly 2 1/2 months progressing to this point where… i don’t know, we’re quite couple-y.. in public, around your friends.. you never fail at making me feel like i’m your girl, no matter who else is around. the only time i worry is when i’m not actually with you. its the fear of what you could be doing. and i know that that’s irrational, but this isn’t just me crushing on you anymore. i didn’t want them to originally, but my feelings for you have gone deeper than that. i’m falling for you, and i really didn’t expect to. its so scary. its so confusing. but its how i feel. and with all the cheats and lies i’ve had to deal with, i’m afraid to lose you. i’m afraid of you lying to me, even though those fears aren’t based off of anything you’ve ever done. sometimes i wonder if making it official, actually being your girlfriend, would ease my fears. if that would make me feel more stable or secure about us. but i’m honestly not sure, and i don’t think i’ll know the answer to that until/unless we do officially get together… which i want. badly. because like i’ve said.. i like you. i’m falling for you. my past my be a confusing one, but my present is the only thing i have control over now, and i want this. i really, truly do.